...what God wants me to be doing - unless it's sitting in the front room typing a blog about the frustrations of not being able to get a job - if that's what He wants me to do, then great - I've doing it!! But is that it?
Maybe He wants me to do the washing and fill out application form after application form - or clean the kitchen, or tidy the house, or grout some tiles in the soon-to-be shower room? Again - if that's what He wants me to do - I'm doing it... But is that it?
Way back, long before going to Redcliffe I remember being at home, looking after the children, doing the housework/painting/gardening/etc. etc. etc. and thinking...is this it? So I began to look and search and God said 'Go!' - He used Genesis 12:1 and Jeremiah 29:11 time and time again - caused Redcliffe College to come into my awareness - even used a poster in a random church window to confirm where I should be and what I should be doing. Did I want to go? No, not really - there was security in the familiar - safety in being where I was known and where I knew what was going on...but I gathered my courage together and stepped out in faith and I went...
...not knowing quite what to expect. And I discovered a love for learning - an ability to write academically that I never knew was possible and I found not one, but two communities of wonderful, passionate people also seeking deeper relationship with God and His direction and guidance. I found a spiritual home, and profound friendships and love and acceptance and hope as I moved towards an unknown future. And God awakened in me a passion to understand more and more of His word, the desire to delve deeper, to look further, to know more - so that I am more able to communicate His love through the way I live and speak and serve.
I have to say I am glad that I didn't know what to expect when I sold my house and left the palce I had grown up in - and the only church I'd ever known, because alongside the growing of my heart into His, that very same heart was torn apart. Yet in that great tearing of my soul - God entered in and began to redeem me - to rework me together through His infinite grace. In the very darkest moments of the deepest pain imaginable - He was there - sometimes silent, sometimes speaking through His word, sometimes entering in to my existence through the presence of friends, sent to journey with me through the darkness. He saved me from myself and from those who were seeking to hurt and harm me and confirmed in me a calling to serve Him - a calling to pursue ministry - to be willing to lay myself aside for His glory - to be willing to be vulnerable and broken - to serve Him in all I do - to offer all that I am for His service and to bring Him glory. I believe that God released me into something amazing - and yet, here I sit - doing all the same things that I was doing before - again wondering - is this it?
Strange how life can go round in circles...but this isn't it, this isn't where I'm meant to remain. I really feel that for now, my journey towards ministry needs to continue on the 'scenic route' - my new relationship, my girls - need time and continuity and security - before I go throwing everything into the goldfish bowl of ministry. And I know that I need more experience - of preaching - of leading worship - of pastoral care - of learning alongside those who have much experience...
I know all that - but still the question remains - where am I supposed to be...what am I supposed to be doing right now?
I keep applying for jobs - but just don't get anywhere...
But is this what I'm supposed to be doing - in all the irritation and frustration and confusion - I am supposed to be learning how to continue to trust in the One who knows everything about me - about my past and my present and my future...as He has reminded me so often...
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart..."
OK God - I hear you...You KNOW...and I just need to trust...forgive me Lord when circumstances conspire against me and I can't see beyond this moment - when the noise of the washing machine, the dust on the mantlepiece, the demands of the children - everything that makes up the monotony of everyday life...
When all this gets in the way of me accepting that, for now, I am exactly where You want me to be...here - in Your presence - accepting that You know better than I do - You always have done - and You always will...
But still I'll keep asking...what's next God?
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